Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Racing Thoughts

My mind is racing right now, so hopefully writing this post will clear some things up and I will be able to sleep.

My grandmother is in the last stage of her illness - ovarian cancer - and I am slowly, but surely, coming to terms that I may have to pull out my mourning veil in the near future.

I feel like just a bit ago I had to go through this with my grandfather. I was very close to my maternal grandfather and I am very close to my paternal grandmother. I went to visit her the other day and while helping scoot her over in bed she said, "I bet you are used to this aren't you?" making an allusion to the fact that I took care of my grandfather in his final days.

I am so over death; I literally am. I have so many people close to me die that I am literally unafraid of death at this point. John Donne, one of my favorite writers, said, "Death, thou too must die," and I think in my mind, I've killed it. Once you are unafraid of death, it loses its power over you.

My grandmother is the reason I am a closet nerd. Ever since I was young, my grandmother would demand to see my grades (she is a very no-nonsense, old-fashioned, conservative woman) and anything below all A's warranted "the look." I never wanted "the look." I know she is proud of me and everything I've accomplished and also the way I've lived my life in a very moral and gentleman-like manner (direct quote).

I don't question fate and I certaintly don't question God, so I will just say that I know no matter what, things will work out for the better. My heart is still heavy, but I feel a little better already.

Now, let me try to sleep. I have Quantitative Methods first thing in the morning...
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Friday, February 5, 2010

H-3-1-1

"Chile," a dialect derivative of the word "child," is often used in African-American culture when speaking to one another in a nurturing manner. It has grown to have a different connotation from the literal meaning of "child" to a way of expressing conversational intimacy - trust or a certain level of shared understanding.

You often hear, "Chile, let me tell you," or "listen, chile" or my favorite, "chile, please..." which (because it is rhetorical) applies to so many different conversations and situations.

In light of this, I would like to make a point that there is often a shared understanding between two people, yet one or both persons neglect that understanding (if it is present) in hopes of a more favorable situation. Chile, let me tell you, the faster you realize how easily we complicate situations -unnecessarily - with our self-interest, the better off you will be. Oprah says, "When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time." Why do we expect people to change after they show us their true colors? Is this a tragic, human flaw?

I, unfortunately, am an idealist, so, I tend to attempt to look at a person's heart. Recently, I have concluded that with most mature adults there isn't a disconnect between their brain and heart, and that they obviously make conscious decisions to be who they are. Disappointing? It shouldn't be. Why would you blame someone for being who he or she is?

There is virtue in accepting a person for who he or she is without judging; there is pain in realizing a person will never be who or what you want that individual to be; there is good karma and glitter for those who genuinely have good hearts and wish people well; and finally, there is a place called hell for those who, without a doubt, deserve to burn for their evil.

That is about as intimate (allusion here, in case you missed it) as this post is going to get.

Think about it.
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Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Evangeline: It Opened Up My Eyes, I Saw The Sign

I received big news today - I am one step closer to achieving my life goal. I am not excited for some reason; I think I am afraid of change, and honestly it is making me a little indecisive. Indecisiveness is my tragic flaw - it causes me to make spontaneous decisions that I sometimes regret. Each of us has a fatal flaw, that if not addressed, will drive us into ruins, causing us to miss our destiny.
Fatality is only positive when it ends long-suffering.
Urban developments represent the organized chaos of society. Being able to see a full moon, stars, or any other natural phenomena in urban environments is analogous to finding peace in the midst of a storm. You're reminded that no matter how much you try to build on your own, some things you just cannot control - sometimes that is a good thing. Have you seen a star today, or is that your fatal flaw?
Think about it.