Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Racing Thoughts

My mind is racing right now, so hopefully writing this post will clear some things up and I will be able to sleep.

My grandmother is in the last stage of her illness - ovarian cancer - and I am slowly, but surely, coming to terms that I may have to pull out my mourning veil in the near future.

I feel like just a bit ago I had to go through this with my grandfather. I was very close to my maternal grandfather and I am very close to my paternal grandmother. I went to visit her the other day and while helping scoot her over in bed she said, "I bet you are used to this aren't you?" making an allusion to the fact that I took care of my grandfather in his final days.

I am so over death; I literally am. I have so many people close to me die that I am literally unafraid of death at this point. John Donne, one of my favorite writers, said, "Death, thou too must die," and I think in my mind, I've killed it. Once you are unafraid of death, it loses its power over you.

My grandmother is the reason I am a closet nerd. Ever since I was young, my grandmother would demand to see my grades (she is a very no-nonsense, old-fashioned, conservative woman) and anything below all A's warranted "the look." I never wanted "the look." I know she is proud of me and everything I've accomplished and also the way I've lived my life in a very moral and gentleman-like manner (direct quote).

I don't question fate and I certaintly don't question God, so I will just say that I know no matter what, things will work out for the better. My heart is still heavy, but I feel a little better already.

Now, let me try to sleep. I have Quantitative Methods first thing in the morning...
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